“You stained my happy places like whine on a white cloth and now, I wander on the streets because I have no place to go to anymore. When you said I am crazy, maybe you were right because now I talk to myself on these empty streets. I am dented, I am flawed. I am self destructive.
It’s a war; we are caged and trapped, suffocating and being churned in between the two sides. It’s a war between my love for you and your love for me, a war between my unconditional love for you and your obligatory love for me. And it feels like a sin now, to make you love me. Should it? I wouldn’t know.
I am dented, true I am. You hate that about me, don’t you? You hate how sleep seems like the most boring thing to me, I would rather stay up and pour my heart out to you. You hate how I prefer skipping meals than hitting the gym and still lose my shit over wanting to get thinner. Don’t you know that I want to disappear? I tell you I want to, then why did you not put two and two.
– 31st December, 2017”
It has been years, 7 today, precisely. Another new year, new beginning. And I have moved on, I think. Then why did it happen that I am still scared of that part of me, the part that is 17 and maybe still madly in love with you? Why is it that I avoid the streets where we walked while hiding from the world, the places you took me out to, the screenshots that still lie undeleted in my gallery, unopened since they were taken, the pictures that we took, the memories that we made. I guess, I am scared of them or maybe myself because I know I still am in love with you. I love him more though, the right way, the good way. I hope I do, god I pray I do. Because if I don’t, then I am contaminated with our long lost love even now. I feel love in my heart, the familiar feeling still in my blood the same throbbing occasionally when September rolls around. I don’t know who owns this love though. I tell myself it is just the autumn that saddens my heart not you or us. But I don’t love you? Okay? I don’t know why I am writing you this.
We fell out of touch, the connection we had seemed to wear out with time but somehow amongst the hundreds of people I meet in life each day now, you are one I can never forget. Firsts they say, always memorable. Today, I spent hours looking for you online, searched every possible social networking site and every place you could have left a mark. I looked up at every place where your passion could have taken you, every nook where your dreams might make you want to hide. Been so many years and I smile that even today I remember each dream that you had, the passion in your eyes while somewhere along the line that I forgot mine.
So today when I empty my heart out on this paper, and send this to you the clichéd old school way, as a letter, I want you to know why I wrote you today after all these years. I love him, he loves me. Does that hurt you, I guess not. Do I want it to? Maybe. After four years of being together, he decided to promise me the togetherness of a lifetime, the infinity that I always wanted, the security, the love, he gives me all of it. His smile is perfect but it misses those dimples, this eyes are perfect but a tint lighter than yours and somehow that does bother me. He got down on one knee with hopes in his eyes and he asked me if I would like to take him as my forever. But then, I saw you promise ring still sitting on my finger and somehow, I realized that it belongs there. How could I take it off? So I let him go, I let my forever walk away, the perfection I wanted. He smiled though, he knew it all along I guess.
So today as I ventured to the street where we first kissed, and stood under the same street light but alone this time. I saw us there, 17 and happy, laughing at a joke you just told. I can see the love in our eyes, the passion of our hearts expressed on our faces.
So two days from now, at seven pm just like that night, I will wait for you under the same streetlight and look for love in your eyes all over again because I know you are single too.
And with this I will send you a copy of our picture when we were young and broke, of the first time you held me and we posed and I can imagine the smile on your face, the dimples that used to make my day. So come and meet me, lead me to my happy place again, let me find home in your eyes all over again and retrace my fingers over all the details that I memorized long back. Come back, come home and let me love you, all over again.
Your adorable angel.